lenten altar

Lenten Meditation: Meltdown

by Jenny Tisi

I woke up and did my usual routine. I caught up on Facebook before my dogs woke me up and saw an article that Kraft Macaroni and Cheese was being recalled. When I clicked on it, I began reading the comments, as I always find those more informative than the actual post. In it, I read comments from single moms, who were thankful for Kraft, for creating a product that was cheap enough for them to feed their children. Many others responded in the same way and spoke about how they wished they could afford to eat healthier, but healthier food comes with a bigger cost.

I then got out of bed and did the first thing I always do. I have gotten to a place in my life that the scale rules my morning, and at times, my mood. This time, my time on the scale sent me into a complete meltdown. It’s been nearly 5 months since the scale number changed. No matter what I do, no matter how good I am, it just won’t change.

jenny bikeI thought I’d give my scale one last shot and so I got on my bike and road my bike to work for the first time. I tried to be proud of my accomplishment and get pumped up. Instead, I returned home and got back on the scale just to see if perhaps in that 5-mile bike ride, if I had lost a pound. No such luck.

I cried the entire way from Pasadena to Tarzana, up to my nutrition coach’s office. I had texted her earlier to give her warning that I was having a meltdown, so she knew what was coming. In the end, we decided that for the next 30 days I would no longer journal, no longer weigh myself, no more measurements, no more appointments unless I wanted them. I was relieved and grateful.

no-scaleThe next morning I woke up, put the scale away, ate a healthy breakfast and then went for a walk. That walk helped me get my mind back to where it should be. I practiced being mindful. I focused and didn’t wallow in self pity. I spent time in quiet and thought about what I put myself through the day before.

I thought about those people who were eating Kraft Macaroni and Cheese and their lack of financial means to eat more healthily. I thought about how I can make those healthy choices and even afford to have an organic vegetable garden in my yard. I thought about how I can walk pain free, while other friends of mine are in chronic pain. I thought about the hand weights that were in my hands that were given to me by my friend and how she is supporting me on my weight loss journey. I thought about how far I have come: 90 pounds lighter than I was 7 years ago, no longer on blood pressure medication, living a healthier lifestyle.

I thought about being grateful. I thought about a conversation with my mother where she told me how every bit of your life matters. I talked to God and yet again asked for help. And then I thought: I’m already am getting amazing help from so many people. Sometimes it just takes time to clear your mind, love yourself no matter what you look like, and see the constant blessings. Maybe it takes a meltdown to help you to see all that you already have.

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